This wasn’t covered on Oprah…..
We all think we do it right….we remain calm, collected, make lists and prepare for the “discussion”.
A conversation….a compromise…..what we get is something all together different.
Why is it that no matter how hard someone tries to have a serious discussion about a serious, life altering issue…the other party just wants to bring up shit that is irreverent and doesn’t address the subject? Why is the “past” always dragged into it? It’s called the “past” for a reason. It’s over.
|1.||gone by or elapsed in time: It was a bad time, but it’s all past now.|
|2.||of, having existed in, or having occurred during a time previous to the present; bygone: the past glories of the Incas.|
|3.||gone by just before the present time; just passed: during the past year.|
|4.||ago: six days past.|
|5.||having formerly been or served as; previous; earlier: three past presidents of the club.|
|6.||Grammar. designating a tense, or other verb formation or construction, that refers to events or states in time gone by.|
|7.||the time gone by: He could remember events far back in the past.|
|8.||the history of a person, nation, etc.: our country’s glorious past.|
|9.||what has existed or has happened at some earlier time: Try to forget the past, now that your troubles are over.|
|10.||the events, phenomena, conditions, etc., that characterized an earlier historical period: That hat is something out of the past.|
|11.||an earlier period of a person’s life, career, etc., that is thought to be of a shameful or embarrassing nature: When he left prison, he put his past behind him.|
What’s that on #1???….“It was a bad time, but it’s all past now.”….What about #11?….“When he left prison, he put his past behind him.”
I’ll tell you why the “past” is always a hot button to press. It is used against a person when there is nothing intelligent to contribute. They have no valid point, so they go for the jugular. It’s classic.
When you don’t have a leg to stand on…..you try to take out the opponent’s legs.
Maybe they feel threatened by the subject. Maybe they just don’t want to talk about it. But, if something is bothering someone you love so much you would think that the person would want to help fix it. How anyone can sit and watch their loved one sit and cry and just continue to belittle and make light if the issue is inexplictable to me. It’s borderline sadistic.
|1.||Psychiatry. sexual gratification gained through causing pain or degradation to others. Compare masochism.|
|2.||any enjoyment in being cruel.|
Take a look at #2….“any enjoyment in being cruel”.
When you love someone, you would think that you would do anything within your power to help them or ease their pain, no matter what the cause…especially if you are the cause. It is horrible what we do to each other in the name of love and a fair fight. I have used the past and hurt loved ones in arguements and have had it done to me also. It doesn’t feel good on either end. Particualrly the first. Hurting the one you love just to try and prove your point is not fair….it’s cheating. Every discussion begins with the good intention of working an issue out. No one expects to be hurtful or vindictive, but that is our nature. When threatened, we realiate with a greater vengence. It’s not right, it just happens to be true. Humans have never been able to distinguish themselves from animals in their basic instincts. The protective mother, vengeful lover, or sexual impulses of procreation.
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions……
I watched the movie “The Day the Earth Stood Still” last night. It wasn’t a particularly good movie, but it had a very valid and poigent message.
When faced at the brink or precipce of great destruction is when we finally change.
My husband and I were at that brink a few years ago. We decided it would be best to live apart and try to work it out. We made arrangements to see apartments for him, as I wanted to be sure it was a good place for the kids to be when they went over to their father’s. We found one just a few blocks from the house we were in. It was close, in the price range and had lots of room. An old Italian lady came down from her home a few doors down…she owned the apartment building. She showed it to us and it seemed just perfect. She asked if it was just for us. We explained what we were doing.
She was looking at us as if we were insane.”So”, she said, “you’re a gonna a live a apart and a try to a work it a out? What is a the a sense in a that? You a younger a generation don’t a realize what a you are a doing.” We laughed a little, thanked her and said we would be in touch.
I had a lot to think about on that short drive home. I guess my husband did the same. We didn’t fight that night, but talked….really talked without being mean and hurtful. He never did take the apartment and we worked it out. It was at the precipce of that moment that we realized the impact of our decision. That woman talked us out of renting her apartment. I think that was her intention all along.
It took me longer than normally to write this, as I didn’t know how to put into words how strongly these feeling are for me. I am guiltly of being hurt and guilty of administering the pain as well.
It is when we are at the brink of a breakdown that we finally realize what we need to do. I feel as if I am slowly walking toward the precipce of something huge. I don’t know if I will change what I need to…..
or just jump.