“Life is happening while you are waiting. You are either in or you’re out”.
~ Raven R. Adda
My Mother always wore make-up. Not to look pretty or better, she was gorgeous without it. She wore it because she loved it….especially lipstick. She would wear nothing but lipstick on some days…
I guess that’s where I got it from.
I truly believe that we are an extremely adaptable species. When faced with unavoidable adversity, we rise to the occasion and are capable of much more than we would have ever realized. We, as human beings, are quite good on doing without the material things that we used to think we needed at one point….most people at least.
I have been without a vehicle since January 12, 2009. It wasn’t an easy decision to make….getting rid of my SUV because of financial reasons…but it was necessary. My husband and I went over the math and it just didn’t add up at that time. Since then, I have been essentially trapped inside the house for these past months.
When I had a car, I really never went many places. Doctor’s appointments, grocery store, Jake’s (my 8 year old ) school….things like that. I never thought about it. I would stay at home for a week or more and not go anywhere and not think twice about it. But, without a car, it is a completely different story. I felt trapped. We live in a very rural area of Florida, so there is not even bus or taxi service out here. I was sad, mad, furious at times, depressed…the list goes on according to the different day and mood I was in. I am a very independent person. I do not like to ask for help unless I absolutely have to. I hated asking for rides to the doctor for the kids. Jake was sick at school once and I had to ask my sister-in-law to go get him. She is always more than happy to do it and it was no problem to get him, but the feeling of dependence and helplessness is a horrible feeling for me. That’s the word I was looking for….helplessness.
Helplessness is a feeling unavoidable at times and so very difficult for me. I am a control freak, so I do not do well with this area. I wouldn’t think that most people would either. It’s depressing and somewhat degrading to be at the mercy of others. My sister-in-law only lives but a few houses over, but I just don’t like to ask anyone for help with anything. I like to get things done myself. I am not a team player, never have been and never will be. It’s not that I am mean or rude…I just like things done a certain way and it just goes back to the old cliche….
If you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself. That’s the damn truth whether anyone likes it or not. No one is ever going to live up to how I want something done, so why get aggrovated over it. I would rather work individually. It’s just my character. Am I wrong? Does it make me a bad person for not being a “team player”?
“Do you consider yourself to be a “team player”? That’s such a loaded question when you’re in a job interview too. It sucks. There is no right or wrong answer. If you say no…you are difficult to work with….doesn’t play nice with others. If you say yes….you are incapable of delegating or completely tasks on your own. It’s a catch 22…another old stupid cliche that works here.
So, after months of being so isolated, we were finally able to buy a new/used car. It’s not brand new, but it’s not a piece of shit either. It is exactly what I need and we can afford right now. We bought it this past Saturday and I have been going everywhere I can think of….even just around the block. It surprising how easily I adapted to being without a car…turned isolated and resentful…and full circle to having something back that I truly thought I could live without.
I may not be a team player. I like to work alone. I like having a vehicle at my disposal. I created this blog in order to learn what I have done wrong in my life and how truly bad I make have fucked it up. I am changing my life in a huge way. I want to learn different opinions and experiences from other people, but I am a control freak….and I have no plans on changing that particular aspect of my personality. I have done a lot of apologizing within the last year or so….a lot to people who did not even deserve it…..nonetheless…. I will not apologize for my controlling personality. I have always been this way….and I like it.
So many people find flaws in their body, personality or character…I happen to be perfectly happy with my control issues. That is one aspect I am not intersted in changing.
Call me crazy….my doctor’s have.
Is it necessary in this day and age that spouses share the amount of their paychecks? Wouldn’t it be much more beneficial for the stay at home mom to know what she has to work with? I read a study in which MSN tried to caluculate the dollar value on a stay at home mom.
It’s nearly immpossible.
So, if I am to be responsible for everything in my family’s life with the exception of going to a job everyday…shouldn’t I be entitled to know what the other job pays?
I mean, my husband knows how much I make…..$0.00.
So, after all my ranting and raving of yesterday…..the husband decides to go to PA with me. That’s it. No arguing, screaming, silent treatment….nothing. Just plain old…”Ok, start packing.” I am relieved in one sense but disappointed in another. I kind of wanted to do this on my own. Part of me was hoping he would stay behind and we would meet back up in Florida a little over a year from now.
Is that so wrong? Is it so bad that I want to have an accomplishment that is 100% of my own accord? I ask because I truly have no answer for it.
I have a huge dilemma. I have approximately 1 year….30 credits….left to finish my B.A. in English Lit/Creative Writing. I wish I knew in 1988 what I know now…I would have finished then, but I have gone back to college on and off for the past 20 years. Now, I want to finish not just for economic reasons, but for accomplishment sake. The problem is that my original college is in PA. I live in FL. If I transfer everything here, I still have to take at least 60 credits from whatever university I go to in order to get my degree there. That makes it approximately 2 1/2 years in FL.
My husband will not move back to PA. I have 2 children and receive SSD. I can get the $$$ for school through student loans and grants, but I want to get off of SSD to have a career I can work in……education.
So, I reasearched some things, found out what is available to disabled persons who want to re-enter the workplace and I can do it with my kids on my own. But do I do it?
Do I leave my husband to better my family. His job is unstable and does not pay enough. He is not going to go to college or trade school to begin a new career. He does not see the problem here. He does not think there is anything wrong with our situation….he “can always get extra work”. But, that’s just it…there is no extra work in construction any more. Florida has the highest unemployment rate for the construction industry than any other state. I do not want to just live paycheck to paycheck….year after year…when I can change it all in just over a year. I WANT to do this.
Do I split up my family for the better life? I have a feeling that no matter what my husband says, he will come, but part of me is so angry after all of these months of fighting about it…that I don’t want him to come at all.
This is my maim dilemma, as there are other factors involving my husband, but my 8 year old would be so sad. He doesn’t know the things we have had to do make money. The things I have sold on Ebay or pawned. My husband had to take a pay cut. What’s he going to say? Screw you? No, then he won’t have a job at all. This isn’t a sob story…it’s how it is right now and I can change it…I have this incredible opportunity and I am to pass it up because my husband refuses to see the benefits? I am coming back here…to Florida… when I graduate. I want to live on the West Coast of Florida. I could be making twice as much money as he is now and he would work part time. I know jobs aren’t guaranteed, but education is a field that is always in need somewhere. And I do plan to go on the my M.A. to teach at the college level.
Maybe it’s a pride issue. Maybe it’s a control issue. Whatever it is…it’s creating an unpleasant atmosphere for my kids. My husband doesn’t know when to shut up. Bitching is usually sexist and attriubuted to women, but my husband bitches worse than any woman I have ever met. It’s nauseating. I am planning ahead for my kids future. My husband can only see next week.
So, any thoughts, comments, suggestions? You want more in depth info….ask me and help me figure this one out.
Right now…..in July….with the kids….I’m going without him.