“It is not that atheists are not open to the possibility of God or a higher power, it’s that they need evidence of one. Even the strongest atheist changes….after years of disappointment, when things change for the better….after saying just one prayer.”
~ Raven R. Adda
Evey time I drive by a church, cemetery….even temples or one of those flowered crosses on the side of the road where some poor soul had lost their life….I bless myself. I have been doing this for a few years now and it just became an automatic reaction after a while. I knew where every single location was while living in Pennsylvania. Then we moved to Florida.
I should have just left my hand on the top of my forehead at all times. There is a church of some denomination on every corner, in every town, in every county. Cemeteries are pretty much set back in the more rural areas, so they are not that prevalent. The crosses…..forget it. I had carpal tunnel within a week. I stuck with my tradition though. I just kept thinking…..if I stop, God will be mad, I will feel guilty and something awful would happen to me or my family. Hence the Catholic guilt creeping up on me once again.
After my last few post, I stopped doing all of this. I had to make a conscious effort NOT to do it. It was so natural for so long that it was difficult. Then I started to feel guilty…like I rebelling against God. I felt as if I was betraying someone….like He would be angry that I stopped doing a ritual that I started myself and something terrible was about to happen because I stopped it all. Why would the Baptists, Mormons, Lutherans, Muslims or Jews have a problem with my new ritual? I’m Catholic, but I was honoring all religions because I simply do not know who is right and I wanted to cover all bases. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?!?
So, now I am free to drive without interruption in fromt of any religious buliding or burial ground. I don’t feel guilty any longer. I just drive like the majority of people now….not noticing if there may be a religious site or symbol to recongnize or revere.
So, yet again, I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. What is with me and this issue?
Do I need a rabbi, priest or therapist?
http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&hl=en&sa=1&q=guilt&aq=5&oq=guil
There’s something in every atheist, itching to believe, and something in every believer, itching to doubt.
–Mignon McLaughlin
http://www.tentmaker.org/Quotes/atheismquotes.htm
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&rlz=1T4ADBF_enUS318US319&um=1&q=heaven&sa=N&start=21&ndsp=21
I would love to say that I have been slacking on blogging due to my chaotic life and busy schedule, but that just is not the case. Truthfully, I have not had any feeling or subject matter that I have felt strongly enough to write about. Yes, this is a sounding board for life’s problems that I have numerous questions to, but right now, I am questioning one thing.
Religion.
I was raised Roman Catholic, Catholic school for 10 years, church every Sunday until I was a teenager, all the sacraments and ceremonies…the whole schebang. I have questioned why I believe what I was taught for most of my 20’s. I had completely severed any meaningful relationship I may have had with God for almost 10 years. Then I had Jakob. Things changed. I no longer had the luxury of giving up God…I was responsible for the greatest responsibility any person ever gets…a human life. That meant for the rest of my life I would be praying that he was healthy, safe, secure, happy…..any and everything one could ever think of. Is that wrong? I had not had a conversation with “my” God for a long time. Do I just pick up where I left off and say, “Hey, Ummm, I know I was gone for a long time, but I have this person I am raising now andI need to know that he is going to be OK despite anythng I am doing…I need your help, prayers and guidence….so, can we just let bygones be bygones?”
I don’t know if it works that way, but Jake is 8 now and he is healthy, safe, secure, smart, beautiful, kind, empathetic….everything I prayed for and so much more. I just cannot possibly believe that I am the only person (along with Ted, my husband/his father) responsible for all of it. That would be just egotistical. Right?
I stopped writing a few hours ago. Owen went down for a nap and I wanted to just lie down and rest. I was scrolling through all the On Demand movies available. I went back and forth in my head as to which one to rent. So, I picked “Doubt”. Maybe it was a subconscious thing…maybe I just wanted to see if it lived up to the hype….whatever the case…now, in retrospect…it seemed an obvious choice.
It was exactly as if I were back in catholic elementary school again. The nuns apparel may have changed from the setting of the movie until my time in the late 70’s, early 80’s….but it was all the same. The positions of authority the nuns and priests held were to be feared. The old school, drab colors within the walls and lockers…the grey sky and cold Autumn wind…then snow…it was all so very familiar. Mass….exactly as I remembered it to be. I could smell the incense as if it were burning next to me. I have always despised incense to this day. Nuns were scary and priests were to be revered.
Most importantly, it reminded me of why I am questioning my religion right now. It’s the hypocrisy of it all. No matter what you did, back then, you were going to hell. Take the Lord’s name in vain…confess it or you’re going to hell. Missed church…confess it or you’re going to hell. The biggest hypocrisy was to come later in my Catholic school years. The sex issue. No sex before marriage or you’re going to hell. If you did have sex and used birth control….hell. Sex and getting pregnant and keeping the baby…going to hell and having a bastard child out of wedlock. Sex, getting pregnant, giving the baby up for adoption….hell again. Sex, pregnancy and an abortion…forget it…your were fucked. There was no way to get around any of it.
Sex and teenagers is like peanut butter and jelly…it just goes together…someone is going to try it…and most will like it.
When I was 22 I found out I was pregnant. I was an adult. I took the necessary precautions to prevent pregnancy, but it failed. I was no more fit to raise a child than to keep a house plant alive. I had an abortion. My 1st of 2. I do not regret it, nor do I apologize for it. Yes, I had other options, but what may be right for one woman is not necessarily right for another. It was in the Fall of 1992. At Easter time the following spring, my Catholic guilt got the best of me. I don’t know why…I can’t explain it, but I decided to confess my “sin”. Fortunately, the priest on the other side of the confessional booth said that it was good than I confessed this “grave” sin now, at Paschal Time, as he had the authority to forgive such a sin, otherwise only a Bishop could forgive it. Wow….did I luck out. I was given the standard 10 Our Fathers, 10 Hail Marys and 10 Glory Be’s…you would think I would still be doing the rosary today for such a sin, but no. I didn’t feel any better after that confession…because I didn’t have any guilt to begin with. The Catholic religion had embedded so much “Hell” into me that I had a weak moment of self doubt and thought I had better confess it or I will be in big trouble if I die anytime soon.
Which brings me to the original reason I am questioning so badly right now….I watched Bill Maher’s “Religulous” a few days ago. Hysterical, yes….but also brought up so many valid points as to my beliefs and why I believe them. You have to watch the movie to understand my thinking right now, but now I am at a more serious crossroads.
Is Hollywood now dictating my belief system? Or should I say making me doubt it? What is it about fame and fortune and blockbuster movies that makes one think and over think their lives and beliefs? I could have had the same conversation with anyone of my friends about my questioning the beliefs that had been instilled in me, but not a one of them would have brought up the points that I am seriously pondering. No one I know what have that of it in the way it was presented to me by Hollywood…or more importantly, Mr. Maher. Now, he is famous for his non-conformist ways, questioning organized religion and marriage, but does he alone have a power of suggestion so strongly that I am affected by it? I think so. And I know why.
It not religion or God I am questioning…..it is organized religion created by men who never ever met Jesus Christ. How do they know what happened? What is all the parables I grew up to believe are a bunch of bullshit? What if Aesop is more accurate than The Old Testament?
I don’t have the answers. Neither did Bill Maher, which is why he made the documentary in the 1st place. All I know is this:
I haven’t prayed to God or Jesus since. I have only prayed with Jakob to my Mother, Aunt Alice, my Grandfather and Great-Grandmother….and anyone else close to me who has passed. I did sneak in a little favor for someone up there to point me in the right direction.
This was all before I watched Doubt.
Now…that’s all I have left….
I have had many friends…more like acquaintances…come and go throughout the years. All due to life’s circumstances, be it a job change, moving, leaving college…whatever. But there are a lot of people, come to find out, that have family members come and go throughout their lives. And I am talking about the same ones every couple of years.
As I have written before, my family issues are no secret. I don’t get embarrassed by much, as long as it’s the truth. And one person’s version of the truth is not always the same as the other person’s…but that’s not what I am writing about.
I looked for a couple of friends from about ten years ago on Facebook a few days ago. I found them and sent a message, which was returned immediately. A chat started on line, then emails were exchanged and the next thing I knew….we were on the phone like no time had ever passed between us. Our parting ten years ago was not pretty, but that was ten years ago and I figure, who gives a shit anymore….so now we’re talking about getting together on the weekend. We never even mentioned why we didn’t speak for so long…it was just two people catching up.
Normal enough.
This morning I was writing my daily quotes on various websites and found myself on Facebook at the same time a family member was. This is an individual that I had talked to everyday, multiple times a day for over seven years. Now, we have spoken about four or so times in the last year and a half. No chat was initiated by either of us. I have tried in the past by email and phone to communicate, but it is obvious that some of my family are still not willing to meet me half way…or any way for that matter. So, I have done what I can. I am not going to beat a dead horse.
So, how is it that two people that were so close and related by blood for the rest of their lives just not speak? I didn’t kill anyone. I have apologized multiple times to many people…many of which didn’t even require or deserve an apology, as they were not involved in the matter. I made huge mistakes, but how long am I going to be held in contempt for them? How could someone just flat out ignore someone they claimed to have loved and still do?
Is pride such an important issue?
Sometimes we have to just let go of things and leave our pride to the wayside. In the grand scheme of things…..I wonder how it will go down?
Maybe this is an example of one of my family members waiting to get into the pearly gates:
God: “I know all that has happened between you and Alex. What is the reason for never forgiving or speaking to her?”
Family Member: “She has made so many mistakes. I just couldn’t be around her any longer. ”
God: “So, was it worth it?”
Family Member: “Yea, God, I am sooo glad I never spoke to her again. “Do I need a ticket or something to get in?”
Ummm….yea…it’s sounds really stupid when it’s laid out there like that doesn’t it? I guess this is what my father will be saying on his deathbed….
“Man, I am sooo glad I stopped talking to my daughter and grandchildren. It fills my heart with such joy that I took my wife’s advice and wrote her off. I have never felt better.”
That’s pride….one of the seven deadly sins.
http://www.deadlysins.com/sins/
Another Blog worth reading:
“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.” Christopher Reeve http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_hope.html
“Remember that God has you in the palm of His hand. He is leading and guiding you – He always has your best interest at heart.”
Joel Osteen
ThisIsRobThomasLev.19:19 says for planting two different crops in the same field, you should be stoned to death.
ThisIsRobThomasLev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. sorry four eyes.
ThisIsRobThomasExodus 35:2 says i should be put to death for working on the sabbath
ThisIsRobThomasI am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness – Lev.15:19-24
ThisIsRobThomasExodus 21:7 says i can sell my daughter into slavery.
ThisIsRobThomasother fun things you learn if you take the bible literally: Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves
ThisIsRobThomasif marriage is a religious bond, why can atheists be married? even SATANISTS can be married.I was raised in a small, white, Italian, catholic, close-minded town (but I’ll save that for another blog). I went through 10 years of Catholic school along with church/mass (whatever you want to call it) and all sacraments. The only sacrament I did not take was marriage.
I was married at the Orange County Florida Court House by a Notary Public…no witnesses. I never saw the need for a huge wedding with all the bullshit that accompanies it. I really never thought I would get married, but life has it’s ways of throwing curve balls and I just caught this one in 1998.
we didn’t tell anyone we got married until after we did it. My father was probably relieved, as I have two sisters and there was no way he was getting out of paying for their weddings. Actually, I don’t think he would have paid a penny for mine….even after almost 11 years, if we wanted to get married in the church…daddy won’t be offering any mullah anytime soon. But, I always wondered why people felt the need to marry someone in such a grandiose fashion. Peer Pressure? Declaration to the world that they will be together forever (even though 50% of marriages end in divorce)? Princess for a day? I know the groom could probably care less, but the bride wants here day, I suppose.
Getting married is one day out of the rest of your entire life. Being married is a whole other subject. Now, out of everyone at that one day ceremony, how many of them will be around when your husband decides to keep leaving his dirty underwear in the hallway? Which bridemaid is coming over to mop your floors? Marriage is not to be taken lightly, so why is the ceremony so light hearted? I know it’s the beginning of a wonderful life together and the sublime idea of two people loving each other forever and ever seems so magical….but let’s be serious….how magical is it when your first major fight starts rumors of unhappiness?
Don’t misunderstand me, I do believe in marriage. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be married, but I am a realist. If anything should happen in my marriage that causes it to end, I would never get married again. Marriage is one of the most difficult tasks I have undertaken in my entire life….and I’m dying of Heart Failure.
Once is enough for me.
So, I guess what I am wondering this: Why all the big dress and hude party for the most daunting and difficult endevour of your lifetime?
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