Jet To No Where

Help me find out if I am on a Jet To No where…or just on stand by.

Archive for the tag “God”

It’s not easy being Blue…

Being depressed is very difficult. I don’t mean the treatment of depression, the endless doctors and trial error of medications. It’s not even the hope of one day you may just get it under a manageable level. I mean it is extremely difficult to STAY depressed.

I have dealt and managed depression since I was…oh…about 22 or so. I have had thoughts os suicide over those years. I have never once attempted it, even in the slightest. I suppose now, if that fleeting thought renders its maniacal head, my children immediately spring to my mind and the thought is crumbled. Simple, easy…without a doubt. But what kept me from attempting it in the past? When I was at my lowest of lows….darkness closing in when I was a young, single girl (I would not yet say a “woman”, as the old cliché goes….”If I knew then what I now”.). Up all night after working in a club. Drinking, drugs, men  and women whom were strangers that I had a night with and never saw again. I know now why I did what I did, but why did I never try to “end it all”?

I do know now….as stated above, “If I knew then….blah, blah, blah….”.

I simply like being depressed.

I like sitting in my room undisturbed, thinking of all the problems I have to fix. Drapes closed when the sun is shining beautifully outside….most people would go out and relish in it all. Anything to get out of the rut of funk they are in. Not me. I actually enjoy being depressed.

I am an admitted  television junkie. I love to watch TV…anything on the proverbial “boob tube”. I have my favorite shows that I either record or get home in time to watch on weekday evenings, but when I am in my room in the depression mode, I’ll watch anything. My husband will come in and ask me what I am watching. Sometimes the answer is “Nothing important”. I will watch the same movie over and over again, even if it was bad the first time around. I watch marathons of reality shows that are not even entertaining.

I am having my pacemaker changed out this Monday. I haven’t had a good feeling about this for a while now. I cannot explain it, but it is an unshakable feeling, yet not one of fear. I am preparing to record my will today, maybe tomorrow. I need to burn a copy and send it to my lawyer, as my last will is incomplete. So, as I am making these arrangements, the inevitable thoughts of life and death have been plaguing on my mind.

So, as I sit here in my room, drapes closed to the beautiful day I could be having outside. Not even a fleck of light shining through with no desire to gaze at the calm waters of the lake I live on. What is on TV today? The Devil’s Advocate……Interview wuth a Vampire….various episodes on Intervention. Perfect material to entertain my depressive state of mind that I have no intention of even trying to dismiss. Life, death, dying, immortality, the devil, God, heaven and hell…..all the big ones.

I did manage to take a shower, which I have to thank for this writing. So many an idea has come out of my brooding in the shower. It’s where my best material comes from…or shall I say, comes together. The material has always been here.

Depression and anxiety are the new black.  Everyone is seeing a shrink and it is almost a daily conversation with people….”Well, what are you on to get through life”?  There is no stigma attached to depression and anxiety like there was 20 years ago. Everyone admits to it and openly talks about it, so I have no clue as to why anyone is even seeing shrinks any longer. One would think therapy is a couple of people having coffee at Starbucks these days. But, I rarely sit at Starbucks when I go. It is always in and out or the drive through.

So, Interview with a Vampire is over now. With all of the Twilight saga and True Blood now….you have your brooding, depressive vampires too. Louie is miserable…..Edward is suffering for eternity and Bill just wants to be one of the humans. Even immortality is getting depressing. So much for the glitz and glamour of living forever, being beautiful and never wanting for anything. That is out of the question too.

It’s 4:00 PM. I feel like getting up. I think I’ll go have a smoke. Yes, I still smoke with all my health problems and I don’t give a shit because I am not ready to quit yet.

It’s the only thing I enjoy besides being depressed these days.

Quote of The Day

There’s something in every atheist, itching to believe, and something in every believer, itching to doubt.

–Mignon McLaughlin

http://www.tentmaker.org/Quotes/atheismquotes.htm

 

 

http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&rlz=1T4ADBF_enUS318US319&um=1&q=heaven&sa=N&start=21&ndsp=21

Why am I surprised?

I have had many friends…more like acquaintances…come and go throughout the years. All due to life’s circumstances, be it a job change, moving, leaving college…whatever. But there are a lot of people, come to find out, that have family members come and go throughout their lives. And I am talking about the same ones every couple of years.

As I have written before, my family issues are no secret. I don’t get embarrassed by much, as long as it’s the truth. And one person’s version of the truth is not always the same as the other person’s…but that’s not what I am writing about.

I looked for a couple of friends from about ten years ago on Facebook a few days ago. I found them and sent a message, which was returned immediately. A chat started on line, then emails were exchanged and the next thing I knew….we were on the phone like no time had ever passed between us. Our parting ten years ago was not pretty, but that was ten years ago and I figure, who gives a shit anymore….so now we’re talking about getting together on the weekend. We never even mentioned why we didn’t speak for so long…it was just two people catching up.

Normal enough.

This morning I was writing my daily quotes on various websites and found myself on Facebook at the same time a family member was. This is an individual that I had talked to everyday, multiple times a day for over seven years. Now, we have spoken about four or so times in the last year and a half. No chat was initiated by either of us. I have tried in the past by email and phone to communicate, but it is obvious that some of my family are still not willing to meet me half way…or any way for that matter. So, I have done what I can. I am not going to beat a dead horse.

So, how is it that two people that were so close and related by blood for the rest of their lives just not speak? I didn’t kill anyone. I have apologized multiple times to many people…many of which didn’t even require or deserve an apology, as they were not involved in the matter. I made huge mistakes, but how long am I going to be held in contempt for them? How could someone just flat out ignore someone they claimed to have loved and still do?

Is pride such an important issue?

Sometimes we have to just let go of things and leave our pride to the wayside. In the grand scheme of things…..I wonder how it will go down?

Maybe this is an example of one of my family members waiting to get into the pearly gates:

God: “I know all that has happened between you and Alex. What is the reason for never forgiving or speaking to her?”

Family Member: “She has made so many mistakes. I just couldn’t be around her any longer. ”

God: “So, was it worth it?”

Family Member: “Yea, God, I am sooo glad I never spoke to her again. “Do I need a ticket or something to get in?”

Ummm….yea…it’s sounds really stupid when it’s laid out there like that doesn’t it? I guess this is what my father will be saying on his deathbed….

“Man, I am sooo glad I stopped talking to my daughter and grandchildren. It fills my heart with such joy that I took my wife’s advice and wrote her off. I have never felt better.”

That’s pride….one of the seven deadly sins.

http://www.deadlysins.com/sins/

Another Blog worth reading:

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://wwwestlake.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/lg-7deadlysins1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://wwwestlake.wordpress.com/2009/02/13/seven-deadly-sins-me-and-my-shadow/&usg=__i2iqysCsfhlyefKmtFq8LvIr6rU=&h=382&w=560&sz=70&hl=en&start=17&sig2=_n9zwb1tc2q_3M8afbbRHw&um=1&tbnid=KY98YeZTmFYq6M:&tbnh=91&tbnw=133&prev=/images%3Fq%3D7%2Bdeadly%2Bsins%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4ADBF_enUS318US319%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1&ei=XGUdSqKNENGgmAeax8mBDQ

Quote of The Day:

“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.”  Christopher Reeve   http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_hope.html

Chris Reeve

“Remember that God has you in the palm of His hand. He is leading and guiding you – He always has your best interest at heart.”

Joel Osteen

www.JoelOsteen.com

Joel Osteen

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